The Power and Opportunity of Negative Self-Talk

Confidence is a choice, and it takes work.

You may be surprised to learn that even the most successful people have moments where they don’t feel confident. This article continues my exploration of confidence and how to develop it in yourself.

Getting off a client call, I was elated to hear about my client’s new levels of awareness and commitment to actions after our session. At the end of our session she declared, “confident women are allowed to feel insecure sometimes”. I got goosebumps again as I had done multiple times throughout the session due to how strong, clear, and inspiring she is.

That realization was amazing in its simplicity. And there’s a lot of weight to it.

We’re sold a bill of goods when it comes to confidence. Stories, movies, and social media portray individuals who are born with a natural ability to just get out of bed successfully and confidently. This is referred to as talent bias and it can be detrimental. We may find ourselves comparing to others and remarking, “I’ll never be that good,” or “It’s not my fault that I’m not a genius,” which can allow us to avoid doing the hard work required for success.

This is not how confidence works. Confident people fail, have weaknesses, and keep going despite being an imperfect human. Confidence is something we build every day, not a thing that is accomplished or ever a done deal. Building confidence requires bravery. True confidence is always a process rather than a finished product. There’s no such thing as the holy grail of confidence where you can finally be that fully self-assured, self-trusting, and self-compassionate person. Growth requires discomfort and as you grow, your confidence must evolve with you.

As such, you will hear confident people, myself included, admit openly to weaknesses or share when they don’t feel capable or strong. My client did that today. She is experiencing unprecedented success in her career and she is a whirlwind of impressive accomplishments, yet there was still a Self-Critic in there. Even that in and of itself was confusing. Things are so amazing right now, what’s with this self-doubt?

Self-Critics, Saboteurs, or negative self-talk – whichever term you prefer – get a bad reputation in the circles I run in. Many people come to a coaching relationship hoping to get rid of their Self-Critic. Some techniques Coaches are taught are to try to let the Saboteur speak and then have the client choose which voice they want to let run their life. What will it be today: the inner advocate or the inner critic?

It’s not that simple. Even in my novice-level understanding of neuroscience, Self-Critics never go away. That voice of fear that is ‘shoulding’ all over you, is not interested in change and is often quite reactive. The inside job here is to first help clients spot the protection mechanism. This is a difficult task in and of itself because many people believe everything they think and are very much merged with the Self-Critic as ‘the voice of truth’. Getting some separation from this voice is the first step.

We teach our clients how to identify the Self-Critic’s exaggerations and become “observers of the Self-Critic.” The Self-Critic has only one objective in mind: to keep you safe, but it isn’t very skilled at doing so. Understanding a Self-Critic starts with digging into the fear and finding the truth buried deep beneath. This takes patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to untangle some layers of confusion.

By the way, the Self-Critic isn’t always negative. This is also perplexing! They may appear as a gentle little voice pleading with you to be careful, or as the voice of that very logical instructor who you had when you were younger, or as a soothing voice that softly lulls you into complacency and laziness.

Your Self-Critic is just as complex and many-layered as you are.

Self-Critics are also always on the lookout for a new way in. They develop alongside you as you learn and evolve. My Self-Critic, for example, used to tell me that I wasn’t spiritual enough when I was teaching yoga, employing the same words I had used while instructing against me. Or they find a backdoor. This is an abstract idea so let’s use my client’s example (with her permission) to explain this one.

As mentioned, my client is reaching new heights in her career yet in this session there was a little nagging voice saying that something was missing. That was true – as it turns out – a lot was missing, and she courageously accessed some anger at her current situation. (I also love it when women can access anger!)

The Self-Critic got in there though and made it very confusing. It took her feeling of not being entirely sure if she was accomplishing enough “practically speaking” and told her that she was just looking for external validation.

It sounded like:

“Your measures of success are different, you’ve changed. Keep up, why haven’t you mastered this yet?!”
“You’re not doing this success thing right! You’re supposed to feel happy right now.”
“Successful, accomplished, confident women don’t need external validation. Stop being so insecure and weak.”

The last one was the truly confusing thought, and through the course of the conversation and her great digging, she found that she did need some forms of external validation and this was very healthy! She wanted greater role clarity, more structure around her position, and frankly, a new, higher title to reflect what she is doing. Exploring the insecurity and unpacking the Self-Critic revealed that her values were not fully being met despite having incredible success. There was a very big truth underneath the Self-Critic’s noise, but it took almost an hour to discover.

This is what we mean when we say that Self-Critics are complex and many-layered. The Self-Critic’s backdoor was to tell her that to get rid of her Self-Critic; she needed to stop seeking external validation.

I often write in these articles that we are complex systems as human beings and I hope this story illuminates that truth again. And I hope that all the younger women leading or aspiring to formal leadership roles remember that all of the different parts of us have value, and if we can slow down and be patient with ourselves, there is infinite wisdom within.

Navigate the skies at your own altitude,
with Jess & Kerri

Kerri, Co-Founder & Strategic Lead at Precipice (she/her)

As Co-Founder and Strategic Leader of Precipice, Kerri drives innovation and growth. With an MBA and Certified Coach designation, she brings a strong academic foundation. Her forward-thinking vision has been instrumental in integrating design thinking into Precipice’s unique approach. Her career spans from precision machining to diverse sectors like Oil & Gas leadership and community health at Community Natural Foods and Alberta Health Services in both front line and corporate leadership roles. Noteworthy roles include leadership in medical equipment planning for facilities like Calgary’s Bridgeland Riverside Continuing Care and Medicine Hat Regional Hospital. Kerri’s versatility shines in collaborations with Precipice’s clients, from facilitating change management to creative strategic planning. A dedicated learner, her adventurous spirit extends to creative hobbies.

Jess, Co-Founder and Creative Experience Designer at Precipice (she/her)

Jess excels in crafting unique client experiences, collaborating with Kerri to develop transformative programs for leading organizations. Since 2019, Precipice has led diverse leadership initiatives, from steering leaders through acquisitions to creating year-long development experiences for departments in Alberta Health Services. Jess proudly created the Conflict Agility program and swiftly tackled pandemic challenges with the “Cultivating Resilience” webinar series. Precipice has also proudly collaborated with the University of Alberta on two multi-day leadership development programs and initiatives on creating a culture of care. Jess’s background in acting and theatre adds a unique touch to her work, leading to innovations like the Conflict Lab—a blend of theatrical practice and conflict resolution that has benefitted many clients, including a pilot with J5 Design. Jess’s passion extends beyond work; from previously being a yoga instructor to a Spinning and F45 enthusiast, she even started out as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in her varied career!

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I cannot say enough about the people behind Precipice Development and the work they do. I have worked with Jess and Kerri to co-design two comprehensive leadership programs at the University of Alberta. The content they bring forward is thoughtful, context-aware and well researched; their facilitation, authentic and engaging yet humble. Jess and Kerri live the practices they teach and it shows. It has been such a pleasure to work with and learn from them.

Our organization was grateful for Jess & Kerri's ability to hold space for challenging and brave conversations - it really set us up for success for the next year and I'm excited to see how we can continue to engage them in this work.

“Jess & Kerri, thank you so much for taking the time to help me with my mindset and perspective on my peers. Your techniques started working within the first 10 minutes. Amazing! The meetings became productive and stress-free.”

"The work you do makes a difference not only in the productivity of employees but in the lives of individuals. There are many challenges around us but if we remain curious and open, we can see them as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding. Your energy, thoughtfulness, and amazing ability to stimulate others to ‘see’ is so valuable in this journey. Keep up the great work – although you may not see it, even if it changes one parent’s spirit when they come home to their spouse and children, just imagine what a difference that can make."

“I wanted to thank you for a very fun and interesting day yesterday at the course… I learned some things about myself. You were very entertaining in your delivery and made the day whiz by.”

“I just wanted to thank you sincerely for the coaching course. I thoroughly enjoyed this session as it was highly relatable to my future endeavors.”

“You are such a great coach and bring the best out of people. Working with you has been a great growth opportunity for me!”

In our Relationship Coaching sessions with Jess we feel like we enter a bright room, and everything hard, confusing and painful gets lit up in a higher way, bringing immediate clarity and lasting compassion, for ourselves and each other. She has a gift for asking potent questions that unravel inner wisdom. She is loaded up with tools to share, many of which have completely changed how we handle conflict, bringing us out of exhausting blame & shame cycles, into elevated conversations rich with vulnerable sharing and compassionate listening, that lead to lasting positive change. Investing in Jess as your coach is an investment in the joy, health and peace of your relationship, and therefore your entire life. If it's not already abundantly clear, we could not recommend her highly enough. Thank you Jess!

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