Why Self-Love is key to Global Transformation

In a world of constant change, leaders need to be able to adapt and lead their teams through the chaos. Learning how to love yourself is one key way to ensure that you have the emotional resources you need to thrive in a complex world. Self-love allows you to take care of yourself so that you can better take care of others. So if you’re looking for a way to become a stronger leader, start by learning how to love yourself first.

Years ago when I first started working in healthcare after being an actor, producer and programming director in the theatre and film festival industries, I dreamed of inspiring healthcare providers to be kind to themselves. But in a cold clinical environment that valued research above all else, I knew I needed to first establish my trustworthiness before wading into these “soft” conversations. Unfortunately, it took a pandemic but before I left, I was hosting webinars for hundreds and passionately sharing the incredible research on mindful self-compassion by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer (still encouraging sign up for the excellent courses offered by the Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion).

I used to feel that I would be viewed as lacking in credibility if I used the words “self-love” and thanks to articles by Gurpeet Kaur and others, I am feeling more permission to speak up about what I have come to believe is true after years of working in leadership development.

Leaders who love themselves can change the world.

Most of my clients are working far beyond human capacity. Many leaders come into coaching sessions wanting to talk about time management and how to stay afloat. Through the conversation they go on a journey of unpacking stresses, tearfully expressing their regrets at not spending more time with their families, and asking themselves if this is all worth it. I’m curious to see where this vast quantity of stress and overwork will lead. Global changes are necessary, and those changes will occur only if leaders change how they lead.

For all humans, regardless of your role or title (because leadership is a choice not a placement within a hierarchy), the first step is cultivating self-love. I know the words “self-love” come with some emotional charge for some so let’s get really clear on what it isn’t.

Self-Love is Not.

Arrogance

Those who love themselves do so by recognizing their strengths and shortcomings. This implies that self-love necessitates our seeking feedback as leaders, continually examining our assumptions, and also keeping an open mind to environmental cues. When individuals who love themselves are faced with disappointment or perhaps the guilt that may result from making a mistake or failing, they persevere by accepting their imperfection.

Selfish

In healthcare and many industries, people value being of service and this means some stigma around being perceived as “selfish”. In a culture of “being a caregiver” I found that many knew not how to care for themselves. There were fears that they had to put others first in order to be good at their work. The opposite is true. Gurpeet Kaur and many other experts share, if we are hard on ourselves and tell ourselves we don’t deserve to rest and renew, we have fewer resources and energy for others. (In fact, self-criticism can be seen as a form of self-centeredness since it renders us unable to focus outside of ourselves.)

Idealistic

A rose-tinted, idealistic, Pollyanna vision of the world. It has nothing to do with remaining optimistic or always looking on the bright side. Emotional and social skills and caring for oneself necessitate being connected to hope that is based in reality. True self-love allows you to accept all feelings, especially those that are unpleasant. People who love themselves are more willing to be with difficult emotions and learn from them. They remember that they are not their emotions (or their thoughts). Practices such as mindfulness and many others can help cultivate the ability to understand and express emotions.

Self-Love is Not.

Going to turn you into a self-coddling, lazy victim story. As researcher Kristin Neff distinguishes, when we are self-compassionate, we accept our common humanity. We are not alone in all of the complex challenges and emotions we face daily. The ability to remember that life is hard for everyone keeps us from getting stuck in difficult emotions. When we don’t say, “Oh woe is me”, and we say, “Oh woe is everyone”, we are more willing to take accountability for our missteps. We aren’t alone and it’s not just you. When we are kind to ourselves, we don’t let ourselves off the hook. We also don’t let ourselves eat a whole tub of ice cream or give up. We stand by ourselves with strength, seek to understand difficult feedback, tell ourselves we can do this, remind ourselves of how we’ve succeeded in the past, and get into action.

Going to rid you of your Self-Critic or negative self-talk. To my knowledge, our Self-Critics don’t go away, no matter how skilled we become. They are determined little worriers with one aim: to protect you. However, the voice of the Self-Critic is not skilled in how it goes about keeping you safe as it’s set-off by pretty much everything and doesn’t know how to motivate you in a way that is sustainable over time. Confident individuals who like and value themselves know how to conduct business with their Self-Critics by recognizing when the Negative-Nelly has taken command. After becoming aware of your Self-Critic, next is acknowledging the hard work they’re doing for you, as well as giving them some time to speak. There’s usually some grain of truth in what they’re nattering on about – listen and acknowledge but don’t let the negativity infect you. Ann Weiser Cornell has excellent resources on this.

Being afraid of failure. When we are kind to ourselves, even through life’s ups and downs, and refuse to let our Self-Critic take charge, we are more inclined to keep going and continue taking risks. There’s a direct link here to the ability to innovate within business. Sure, your Self-Critic will whip you into continuing on and maintaining high standards but at what cost? Prolonged reliance on self-criticism will lead to burnout, overwhelm, and a decrease in resilience.
Something you ever fully ‘have’ or get. Cultivating true self-love that evolves with you is always a work-in-progress not a finished thing that you have or get. It’s not a doing or an outcome, it’s a way of being.

So Love Yourself.

Because it gives us the ability to respond with our full selves amidst continuous change, to be imperfect, vulnerable and authentic with our teams, to understand our emotions and not be unconsciously driven by fear or shame, and gives us the strength to make difficult decisions.

How can you lead others if you don’t know how to lead yourself?

Or, as Ru-Paul says:

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Please check out the links as they will direct you to the incredible people who said it first. Most of these ideas are ones I’ve tested not invented. What self-love is and how we cultivate it will be part of ongoing reflections and a series of future articles.

My ideas and writings are inspired by the real, courageous experiences of leaders with whom I’ve worked. Although Coaching is strictly confidential, one of the great benefits of working with a Certified Coach is that they have a pulse on what other leaders, teams, and industries are going through. We’re insatiably curious and ask questions instead of giving solutions, as well as provide broad perspectives and normalize; all of which allow us to be excellent thought partners.

Navigate the skies at your own altitude,
with Jess & Kerri

Kerri, Co-Founder & Strategic Lead at Precipice (she/her)

As Co-Founder and Strategic Leader of Precipice, Kerri drives innovation and growth. With an MBA and Certified Coach designation, she brings a strong academic foundation. Her forward-thinking vision has been instrumental in integrating design thinking into Precipice’s unique approach. Her career spans from precision machining to diverse sectors like Oil & Gas leadership and community health at Community Natural Foods and Alberta Health Services in both front line and corporate leadership roles. Noteworthy roles include leadership in medical equipment planning for facilities like Calgary’s Bridgeland Riverside Continuing Care and Medicine Hat Regional Hospital. Kerri’s versatility shines in collaborations with Precipice’s clients, from facilitating change management to creative strategic planning. A dedicated learner, her adventurous spirit extends to creative hobbies.

Jess, Co-Founder and Creative Experience Designer at Precipice (she/her)

Jess excels in crafting unique client experiences, collaborating with Kerri to develop transformative programs for leading organizations. Since 2019, Precipice has led diverse leadership initiatives, from steering leaders through acquisitions to creating year-long development experiences for departments in Alberta Health Services. Jess proudly created the Conflict Agility program and swiftly tackled pandemic challenges with the “Cultivating Resilience” webinar series. Precipice has also proudly collaborated with the University of Alberta on two multi-day leadership development programs and initiatives on creating a culture of care. Jess’s background in acting and theatre adds a unique touch to her work, leading to innovations like the Conflict Lab—a blend of theatrical practice and conflict resolution that has benefitted many clients, including a pilot with J5 Design. Jess’s passion extends beyond work; from previously being a yoga instructor to a Spinning and F45 enthusiast, she even started out as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in her varied career!

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I cannot say enough about the people behind Precipice Development and the work they do. I have worked with Jess and Kerri to co-design two comprehensive leadership programs at the University of Alberta. The content they bring forward is thoughtful, context-aware and well researched; their facilitation, authentic and engaging yet humble. Jess and Kerri live the practices they teach and it shows. It has been such a pleasure to work with and learn from them.

Our organization was grateful for Jess & Kerri's ability to hold space for challenging and brave conversations - it really set us up for success for the next year and I'm excited to see how we can continue to engage them in this work.

“Jess & Kerri, thank you so much for taking the time to help me with my mindset and perspective on my peers. Your techniques started working within the first 10 minutes. Amazing! The meetings became productive and stress-free.”

"The work you do makes a difference not only in the productivity of employees but in the lives of individuals. There are many challenges around us but if we remain curious and open, we can see them as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding. Your energy, thoughtfulness, and amazing ability to stimulate others to ‘see’ is so valuable in this journey. Keep up the great work – although you may not see it, even if it changes one parent’s spirit when they come home to their spouse and children, just imagine what a difference that can make."

“I wanted to thank you for a very fun and interesting day yesterday at the course… I learned some things about myself. You were very entertaining in your delivery and made the day whiz by.”

“I just wanted to thank you sincerely for the coaching course. I thoroughly enjoyed this session as it was highly relatable to my future endeavors.”

“You are such a great coach and bring the best out of people. Working with you has been a great growth opportunity for me!”

In our Relationship Coaching sessions with Jess we feel like we enter a bright room, and everything hard, confusing and painful gets lit up in a higher way, bringing immediate clarity and lasting compassion, for ourselves and each other. She has a gift for asking potent questions that unravel inner wisdom. She is loaded up with tools to share, many of which have completely changed how we handle conflict, bringing us out of exhausting blame & shame cycles, into elevated conversations rich with vulnerable sharing and compassionate listening, that lead to lasting positive change. Investing in Jess as your coach is an investment in the joy, health and peace of your relationship, and therefore your entire life. If it's not already abundantly clear, we could not recommend her highly enough. Thank you Jess!

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